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"Eyewitnesses agreed that by merely gazing upon the seashell centerpiece, one is whisked away to an enchanted garden, lush with exotic flowers, fluttering hummingbirds, and shirtless natives whose brown skin glistens with sweat as they present trays stacked high with pineapple, mango, and tender cuts of pork."

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NAPLES, FL—Describing it as a “real close call,” a local seagull suffering from an acute case of diarrhea told reporters that he was barely able to make it to a crowded public beach in time to relieve himself Monday. “Oh, man, I really had to go and there wasn’t a sunbather or occupied picnic table in sight—I honestly didn’t know if I could hold it,” said the gray and white seabird, who reportedly uttered a deep, contented sigh of relief upon finally reaching a densely packed group of beachgoers and releasing a voluminous torrent of loose fecal matter. “The last thing you want is to just go right there over the water or a bare stretch of sand. But thankfully I spotted a few families without beach umbrellas and was able to make it just long enough. Must have been some bad parking lot hot dog I ate.” At press time, the seagull reportedly felt another oncoming, urgent bowel movement and was rapidly racing toward the nearest convertible.

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the study of classical civilization, historians at Harvard University published findings Thursday that show the aqueducts were but a small part of a vast, sophisticated system of water parks that once spanned the Roman Empire.

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"... one is whisked away to an enchanted garden, lush with exotic flowers, fluttering hummingbirds, and shirtless natives whose brown skin glistens with sweat as they present trays stacked high with pineapple, mango, and tender cuts of pork."

Funny