When trekking through the wilds of Chiang Mai Province it's advisable to carry a good strong stick with you. Not only is it a great aid in hiking up mountainous terrain, but it's also useful for discouraging attacks by rabid dogs as you pass through hill tribe villages. One of the best available is the Burmese Army trekking stick, invented by Sir Jeffrey Hill Pig Smythe. As a child, he was described as overweight, a bad athlete, and a poor student. His only redeeming quality, according to his teachers, was that he was polite. However he was dogged by failure in every field of human endeavour that he pursued, until his life took a turn for the better when he was drafted into the army during World War 2 and sent to Burma. It was here that he designed the Burmese Army trekking stick. --- Jeffrey Hillpig-Smyth, Intelligence Officer with British Special Forces at Mandalay, British East India (Burma), disappeared while on a morning mini-trek within the Special Forces compound in 1944. It was renowned for his engineering genius as evidenced by his military trekking stick. Queen Elizabeth II knighted Hillpig-Smyth in absentia for his contributions to British War Protocol in 1953. The stick is indispensable for safe trekking particularly when negotiating sharp inclines and fording quick-moving streams. Today, the trekking stick is issued exclusively to Burmese Army rangers stationed on the north east frontier. The stick is constructed of mature baby bamboo with a solid row-boat handle. The MacDougall bolt and nut mechanism allows the stick to be split into two pieces to rest in your knapsack when not in use. On the stick is a brass plate which reads... 'Sir Jeffrey British East India 1941 Hillpig-Smyth'. ~ Dimensions ~ The stick length when assembled is 37 inches (95 cm). --- Jeff began life in 1910 burdened with a name that attracted ridicule as soon as he met anybody. At school, records reveal he was a poor student, overweight, non-athletic, didn’t have any friends but was polite. His teachers, setting a good example to their pupils, called him Hillpiggy. Those cruel and humorous teachers from way back then? They’ve vanished. Nobody remembers them. And nobody cares. Jeff made it to Harrow, then went on to Oxford. Something went wrong in Oxford and he was sent down. If you go to Oxford and they boot you out it’s called sending you down. One of my friends at Brasenose was sent down for playing poker all night, every night and cavorting and being a wild thing rather too visibly. Jeff got sent down for “indecency”. In 1930. I have made a half hearted search for the nature of his indecency and turned up nothing of interest. He probably did something too interesting for his college’s taste. Let’s move on! Jeff’s been sent down. What does he do? Mourn his fate? Try and change his name? Au contraire, dear reader. He runs for parliament. “Unsuccessfully stood for parliament as an Independent from the small constituency of Looting on the Thames finishing fourth out of three.” Yes, I know how it sounds. Fourth out of three. Looting-on-the Thames. Trust me, it’s true. In 1935 Jeff fell into the bottle and stayed merrily drunk until he sobered up and became a self published author. The book, which I haven’t been able to obtain yet, is apparently a collection of angry and quite funny essays and is called “Sticks and Stones”. Hillpiggy. Sticks and stones. I can see where that came from. In 1937 he decided to get drunk again and that suited him well until the urge to write re-surfaced. His book is titled “Mudpuddles and Other Outrages.” I’ve not seen a copy. But when I do, I’ll buy it! Jeff then joined Britain’s Military Intelligence and Engineering. That was in 1939. They either liked his style, or, more probably, decided to get him away ASAP. Jeff gets a posting in Mandalay, British East India Burma, 1940. The Nazis are on the rise and the Imperial Japanese are whetting their banzai blades. What can go wrong is going wrong. Jeff falls over and hurts himself. Immortality beckons! While slightly inconvenienced by his lack of mobility Jeff designs a walking stick. He calls it the Military Trekking Stick. Here comes the vanishing act. Jeff vanishes! “Disappeared while on a mini-trek within the Special Forces compound.” “A search party was organised and diligently combed the 3 acre area for over an hour, sadly to no avail.” That was in 1944. I got the quotes from a slip of paper that came with my Burmese Army trekking stick. Most of this story comes from my slip of paper actually. Although I have spent several hours trying to confirm this and that. One fact is beyond doubt. In 1953, Queen Elizabeth II (our beloved Queen who should move over and let Charles have a shot at the monarchy) knighted Sir Hillpig-Smyth. No longer was he a Jeff. Or a Hillpig. He was a Sir Hillpig-Smyth. Three things need mentioning before I stop this post. One: Hillpiggy/Hillpig is a source of rumour and speculation to this day. Some people think he’s still out there. Reports filter in through the Burmese jungle of a man on an elephant leading well-disciplined Karen foot soldiers near a drug lord’s stronghold in the Golden Triangle. Two: He’s dead. Don’t waste time trying to collect the fifty pounds reward offered back in the world war two days unless you find his skeletal remains clutching his stick. You will receive fifty pounds. The offer is still valid. Three: His stick design is great! If you want a walking stick that can be used to kill, support, stop you falling over, negotiate sharp inclines, ford quick-moving streams I suggest you go and find that village whose name I have forgotten or try teaklimey@hotmail.com. Cheers!
